Red Flags of a Stage 5 Clinger

1.       After Date #1, they are already talking about how their parents would love you and you must meet them ASAP!

2.       After Date #1, they non-stop text you that night and all the next day ending with “love” in every text.

3.       After Date #1 or #2, they start texting you more. Before you have a chance to answer the first text, they start getting upset and having a full text conversation with themselves.

4.       They make you feel guilty for rescheduling… saying things like “oh you found someone better, I guess”.

5.       You haven’t responded to their message, and they KEEP messaging you saying things like “did I say something wrong?” or “am I not your type?”

6.       When you haven’t even met yet and they are already emotional telling you, “I didn’t think you were interested and didn’t think I’d hear from you again.”

7.       After Date #1, they send you a collage of a picture of you online, them in the sunset, roses in the shape of a heart, and Krishna- the Hindu God that would be marrying you 2. (PS- this specific person actually ended up calling my work looking for me and I ended up having to block them from my cell phone, Match, and blasting them on my Facebook.)

8.       After Date #1, they become completely “EMO” telling you that they are sad without you… and they want to learn how to play Elton John’s Tiny Little Dancer to feel the pain.

Those just a few Red Flags of a Stage 5 Clinger… crazy, right? If not, and you’re actually thinking, what is wrong with any of that… I’m SO sorry but… YOU are a Stage 5 Clinger! So please take plenty of notes! Haha!

I guess these same circumstances would be different if you were equally into that person the same way that they were into you… or if you had been together for a while already. But still, would it be though? Because once the magic wears off, what do you have... this nagging boyfriend/ girlfriend that constantly needs your reassurance, attention, and explanation of your entire day and why? Maybe some of you are ok with this… but I, for one, don’t even like my parents asking me too many questions or making me feel guilty for anything I do in my life. Or maybe I’m just too damn independent for my own good. Who knows! Ha!

It’s not like I’m saying to only put your best foot forward in the beginning. You should always be yourself and you should always be you. But if this is how you are in the beginning, then how will it be when you are eventually in a relationship?! All this reeks of desperation, low self-confidence, overly emotional and sensitive behavior, anger management issues, and passive aggressiveness.  These are all things that ruin a relationship… and even perhaps a person’s social standing. Like do they have friends? How is their relationship with their friends and family? How are they in a social situation? Are they uncomfortably mean or awkward to other people? Are they jealous when/ if you are being social and outgoing? Obviously, these are things I think about since I am obnoxiously outgoing. Haha! I mean, THIS social butterfly cannot be held back due to jealousy and controlling behavior. Besides, if you are loyal to me, I will be fiercely loyal to you. As it should be. Period.

Like I always say, it is not easy to be a good person. It’s not easy to always do the right thing, to have self-confidence, to have great self-esteem, to have self-respect, and to have good, healthy relationships with others. Just get out of your own heads for once, I say! We are so preoccupied with our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions (and perhaps even our own insecurities) that it’s hard to be more rational and logical and be more understanding and compassionate towards others. It’s what I like to call: Hypocritical Emotions!! Hahahaha! A paradox... and yet easy to understand, right?!

Clinically speaking, someone that has this behavior often times has insecure attachment issues. This includes anxious-preoccupied attachment. People that have this tend to never want to be alone or without a relationship. Not only that… because (let’s be honest) some of us have no difficulty finding a new relationship… but they actually feel a deep seeded need/ or want to be emotionally intimate with others to the point of dependency. These people seek extremely high levels of intimacy where it is more like approval. This is due to a doubt in themselves and their own self-worth. And in this condition, they will blame themselves even for their partner’s lack of responsiveness to their own high levels of emotions. Compared to the securely attached people, these insecurely attached people tend of have less positive views about themselves.

After all this, what if I’m wrong? What if I’m being too critical and too judgmental myself? What if these guys that have done this to me actually have really just fallen in love with the thought of me and how good I look on paper? Or maybe they really do feel a connection, that “Spark”? And what if I have NO idea what that “Connection” or “Spark” feels like if it slapped me across the face? TWICE?!! And I have not given them a chance because I have already deemed them as “creepy”… and a “Stage 5 Clinger”? Am I missing out? Or am I just helping nature work its’ course a little faster…

This so called “Spark” people speak of anyway… what IS it? How do we know it even exists?? Or am I even asking purely because I am jaded and avoiding any and all attachment at all costs? LOL!

Yes, this blog entry I’m leaving open ended… stay tuned for the next blog entry that I’ve already started about “The Spark”.

Happy reading all! =)

XO Nina

PS- some of you wanted to contact me and I thought my contact info was on here… Well, I guess it’s not. So feel free to post your comments here… or email me at ninaannphan@gmail.com... Or post it on here: https://www.facebook.com/ninaannphan  Thanks Loves! (and no, that was not a pun… hahahaha!)

Online Dating’s Visual Deceit!

Anyone who dates or has dated online will tell you – we have all fallen victim to what I like to call “Visual Deceit”! Some deceptions include (but are not limited to) the person’s height, weight, amount of smoking, amount of drinking, weekly workout frequency, and (of course, the biggie) body type.

Women will probably state 10-20 pounds less than what they really are, give or take a few, sometimes more, sometimes less. Of course, the pictures that they post on their profile will show them in only the best lighting, angle, and/ or whatever other tricks one does to make them look MUCH better, skinnier, and more fit than they really are.

For men, they typically state 1 to 3 inches taller than they really are and that they make much more money than they really do. Similar to the ladies, they also post deceiving pictures where you can’t really tell how tall they are, what kind of physical shape they are in, and how much they really love puppies and children. LOL!

As superficial as this may sound, why would you lie about your appearance? People will find out sooner or later! And when they do, they realize that you just lied. Look how unappealing and unattractive you really just became!

Come on people, just BE REAL. Wouldn’t you want the other person to be real with you? I have searched high and low for examples from other people. Most men have experienced the “Whoa, when did she gain 20-30 pounds?” On the other hand, most women have experienced the “He looked much taller in his pictures! Not a midget at all!!”

Aren’t those just the qualities that we men and women want to be and strive/ wish for; to be skinnier and to be taller? Well, I say if someone doesn’t like you, eff ‘em, and move on. My infamous phrase as of late is “NEXT!” You can’t start anything serious off with a lie, can you? But I guess they think they can. Maybe it’s the “I know I don’t look much like my pictures but hopefully, my charm and amazing personality will win them over.” A great example of this is one of my own experiences.

I’ll start this off by saying I’m only 5 feet tall… like on a good day. My height requirements include a much more wide range of acceptable heights than most of you taller ladies. Although 5’6 inches is pretty much my cut off height, or rather shortness. I know, this sounds horribly shallow! Hahaha!

This brings me to who I will name Stuart. I started talking to Stuart via Match.com messaging. His original message to me was not only very engaging, but he also mentioned something in my profile that made it clear that he actually read my entire profile. We messaged each other back and forth for about 2 weeks, then chatted on the phone for another week before actually meeting. Already to me, he was clever, witty, funny, smart, and super easy to talk to. His profile stated that he was 5’6”, works out 3-5 times a week, and athletic and toned.… well…

When I met Stuart, he was definitely shorter than I had imagined he would be… but he was such a nice guy and we got a long so well, it was easy to overlook… THIS TIME. He was wearing a nice casual button up shirt, long dark jeans, and sort of boot like shoes. We sat at a bar table at a piano bar and grooved, sang, and laughed all night! It was a great time!

Well, date #2 was at my home gym where I also teach classes. He said he was athletic and toned and has had experience in martial arts. His profile also stated that he went to the gym 3-5 times a week… Well, when he came to work out with me wearing shorts… I could see the truth – I saw the light! Really though, the light was shining (glaringly) on his skinny and super white chicken legs. AND now that he was wearing shorts and I could see his shoes, he was shorter than the last time I saw him!

You can’t lie about your height AND lie about working out. Because when we work out and you (the supposed man) are not as strong as me, there’s a problem. Big problem. Albeit, I AM undoubtedly a freak of nature being unnaturally strong for my size–  you just can’t be weaker and smaller than me! It makes me uncomfortable to be “the man”…

So in this boxing class we did together, and the last time I ever saw him… it was evident that he was not athletic and toned… and his heavy bag didn’t move… like EVER. So how could he put athletic and toned and works out 3-5 times a week on his profile? Did he think I would never notice that he was shorter than 5’6” and not in shape? LOL!

This also reminds me of a similar story of an old friend of mine, who we will call Elaine. I was with her when she created her Match.com profile. She insisted on stating in her profile that she worked out 3-5 times a week and was a social drinker. In reality, she worked out 3 times that month (maybe 5 times that year) and was definitely a more than moderate drinker.  I was like, why are you lying? Her response: I CAN be that way. Like, WTF?! Are you lying or are you planning on “changing” for someone else? Either one seems ridiculous and unhealthy.

Here’s what I learned from all this: Acceptance. Accept the fact that this will happen. I can’t change the world. I can’t just tell people they should be real on their profile. Well, I guess I am right now. But it happens whether I like it or not. I’ve just learned how to accept it. But if you are not attracted to the other person, you are just not attracted. Period. Why waste each other’s time with the bull honkey of “it’s what I wish I was… “

But also, and more importantly, ACCEPT YOURSELF! Who you are is who you are! There is zero point at this age to put on charades for other people. When you create a façade about yourself to others, you lie to yourself and to everyone that meets you. So when the charades become too exhausting to uphold, the truth with prevail. It always does… at least that’s how the saying goes anyway.

On my profile, I have 26 pictures of me doing all kinds of different, fun, and silly things. Some pictures posted are sexy, have funny faces, have lots of smiles, with a full face of makeup on, or with no makeup on at all. Hopefully, it depicts all the facets or my personality well and not just glamor shots. Hahaha! What you see if what you get. I think seeing all sides of someone right off the bat leaves no room for surprises when you meet. It’s refreshing when what you saw online is what you get in person. And it just seems like the right thing to do… the truth, imagine that! ;)

Online Dating - It's a Secret Life!!

"Please don't tell anyone I'm on Match.com."

"It's hard for me to admit but I'm trying online dating."

"I don't know how to tell people I'm dating online."

"No way I'm telling people we met online."

"What else should I say instead of -we met online?"

These are just a few of the comments I'm hearing about Match.com and other online dating websites. Why are people so scared of telling others that this is what they are doing? Is it because of critical people and judgmental people that we ALL know and love? 

What are people scared of? Where does this fear come from? Is it just the fear of the unknown and unconventional? What is conventional? When your parents set up arranged marriages for you? When your dad knows this great guy that he works with that makes good money and doesn't have a girlfriend? When it's a friend of a friend?

OK... well, what if you've exhausted all those options? What if everyone your parents know is already married now, or you've met some of them and there is no way on God's green earth would you consider dating them? And what if all your friend's friends are married now? Then what do you do?

Go to bars and dance clubs? But it's the same song and dance time and time again... same people, different faces, and different names. Especially, after 30 - you don't really feel like getting smashed, making out with randoms (I mean unless you had a REALLY rough week - haha!), and God only knows what else. After 30-ish, it's just not as fun... nor is it necessary. Frankly, I'm just as content going to dinner with friends or being at the gym for an extra hour... or just relaxing at home.

Grocery store... although this seems safe (perhaps unusual, but safe), I'm usually in my gym clothes, no make up on, no shower, straight from the gym, and typically hungry so I don't really want to be bothered. 

The Gym... this seems safe and definitely appealing to those of us that like to work out and would love to share this hobby with someone. But again, gym clothes, no make up on, no shower, straight before or after work, head phones in, trying to finish your set to get on with your life... or over to the grocery store to feed those new muscles. Hahaha!

What option do we have left? Online dating, of course! Here's the ultimate question though... why are we ashamed of online dating? Why would we be ashamed to admit that we are busy professionals that are independent, career driven, and goal oriented that we are now over 30 and finally ready to find "the one"? Why are we afraid to tell other people that we are being smart, efficient, and safe with our dating tactics?

I, for one, AM PROUD!!!!! I am proud that I am able to weed through a LOT of men by simply reading their profiles. After that, texting a few times, having a phone conversation, having a coffee date, and/ or having a dinner date. I love being efficient... AND in a means that is effective! You can read through a lot of bull honkey in profiles... And let's not lie to ourselves, by profile pictures! Honestly, you have to be somewhat attracted to the person you want to date...

Dating free of expectations, free of obligations to friends, free of any guilt whatsoever, is amazing! I have learned a tremendous amount about life, what I like, don't like, what I can put up with, and what I can't put up with. Most importantly... I've learned a great deal about myself, my own behavior, my own reaction to all sorts of different people. And just more about me, my own revelations in life, and just who I am in general. 

This blog will be about the do's and don't's of online dating (I'll have some really awesome and witty examples for you), some of my crazy experiences with stage 1-5 clingers, some of the most wonderful people I have met along the way, and my amazing personal journey in all of this. Hope you can take something away from this! If anything, a little laughter can go a long way!

So enjoy! =)

XO Nina